"Knowledge is Everything"

I have asked the members of my family to write about how they coped with my mental health issues after I had Molly. I did this because families are sometimes the ones who realize there is a problem before the person who is suffering. Families are often times the ones who do most of the research to find their loved ones help. There are also some people who do not understand mental health disorders and how it can affect the ones they love. This is what my mother in law went through when I was struggling after the birth of my daughter, and how she felt during that dark time.

A few short weeks ago my daughter-in-law, Amanda asked me if I would be willing to share some of my memories of a time in her life that took her into a very dark and lonely place. I agreed thinking that it would be easy, but once I started going back to one of the happiest and saddest years I can remember, I started to tear up and the helplessness that I felt then all started to trickle back in.

I will never forget the difficulty and challenges that my son Daniel and Amanda went through to get pregnant. It was their dream to finally start their beautiful little family, but it took several tries which included miscarriages, endless disappointments, medical exams, acupuncture and a lot of tears. See, Amanda was and still is a labor and delivery nurse and her dream was to give birth to her own child and to be a mother. She helped so many other women give birth to their children it was hard for her to accept the fact that she may not be able to.

Just when they were ready to give in to the fact that maybe becoming parents was not going to happen for them, I received the most amazing phone call. Amanda was pregnant!!! I knew at that very moment that this baby was surly a gift from God and that this baby was a little girl.

Amanda and Daniel were so excited, they did the normal Doctor visits together, listened to the heart beat, prepared for their new little bundle of joy just like all new parents would. Amanda took amazing care of herself during her pregnancy and was counting the months down. They chose not to find out the gender of the baby and wanted to keep it a secret until he or she was born.

Amanda’s due date had come and gone. She was starting to get more and more uncomfortable. I took her for a long ride to Cape Elizabeth where she put her feet into the cold ocean water hoping that it would get her started. We had lunch and then stopped in Freeport for some new baby clothes. I think it was a few days after that she was induced.

The anticipation was killing us. We all wanted to meet our beautiful, little grandchild. Amanda was a trooper and Dan was right there by her side. The grandparents were in the waiting room for a couple of days anxiously waiting. I remember feeling nervous and worried about Amanda. I felt something was going wrong. It was then that we saw several Doctors and nurses rushing by and heading into the maternity wing. I felt a pit in my stomach and started to cry, but shortly after that my son came out and said Molly Mae was here and she was doing fine. Amanda on the other hand was recovering from a long hard birth and a lot of hemorrhaging. The reality is that we could of lost them both but God was watching over both of them.

I remember all of us going into Amanda’s room exhausted and full of excitement. Happy that they were both doing ok and Amanda was recovering from a traumatic experience. Molly was with Amanda on her chest for the mother child bonding, but I noticed that Amanda was so pale and lifeless. I felt so badly that we were all there in that small room so quickly after the birth.

I went back to the hospital the next day for a visit with my new granddaughter and to see how Amanda was doing. She had more color in her face and seemed to be feeling better. I was so happy to see my son changing Molly’s diapers and knowing in my heart that he was going to be an amazing dad. I wish I had known then what Amanda was really going through. I chalked it up to her having such a hard birth. I didn’t hear any excitement in her voice or see the happiness I expected from her. She was finally a new mom and her precious baby girl was here.

It was time for the new parents and their child to come home. I say going home but they were going to Amanda’ parents. Did I mention that they had moved in with her parents because my son was building their dream home right next door. It was perfect because while Dan was working on their new home Amanda’s mother Lori was able to help with the new baby.

I went over and visited as often as I could and to help when Lori was at work. I specifically remember one evening when Amanda’s family came over for a visit and to see little miss Molly. I couldn’t help but wonder why Amanda was staying in her room with the baby. I thought she was just breastfeeding her, but noticed that she kept asking Dan to come in and not wanting to come out to be with her family. My son asked me to go in and talk with Amanda. At first, I wasn’t sure why but as soon as I opened the door I saw Amanda on the bed with the baby and tears coming down her face. Amanda was so confused and almost shaking. She was scared to go out and didn’t want anyone to hold her baby. She admitted to me that she felt uncomfortable breastfeeding Molly and that she felt pressured to do so. I have to admit I am a strong believer of breastfeeding and tried to convince her how wonderful it was. Lessoned learned, it is not for all mothers. I tried to calm her down and tried to figure out what was going through her mind and how could I help her. I was so confused. She handed Molly to me and said that she needed her diaper changed. I put her on the changing table and thought maybe she would do it, but she yelled for Dan. Shortly after that she came out with Molly wrapped tight against her so that no one could hold her. I saw a fear in her face that I will never forget. Shortly after that I left, and on the drive home I cried. I was trying to figure out what was happening to Amanda. Why wasn’t she happy that her baby was finally here. She was a new mom and she had the most beautiful baby girl. It was all perfect. Perfect in our eyes, but not Amanda’s.

The next morning my phone rang and it will be a phone call that I will never forget. All I heard was a sobbing, distraught mother trying to tell me that her daughter Amanda was heading to the hospital because she wanted to kill herself. My daughter-in-law wanted to end her life. Those were the most heart wrenching words that I had ever heard. I remember hanging up the phone and feeling so helpless. Why, why is this happening? I could not stop crying. As a mother all I wanted to do was help, but how. My son was taking his wife to the hospital, so she wouldn’t hurt herself. How can I fix this, I can I make this go away, what is happening, I don’t understand. My husband saw my frustration and called a friend. His friend had just gone through this with his wife. His friend offered to help and asked if I would come over that evening and to bring my son. I am so happy that we did. My husband’s friend’s wife had given birth to six beautiful children. His wife managed to go through five births without any issues. Happy and healthy. It wasn’t until her last child was born that she experienced postpartum depression. Needless to say, her husband had gone through months and months of watching his wife slip into her dark depression. He did the research and had a lot of knowledge about this subject. I didn’t know what to expect, and all I wanted was to understand what Amanda was going through and how we could help. He was amazing at explaining what postpartum depression was and how it affected new moms. It was like someone just opened the door and the sunlight was beaming in. I felt so much better and seeing my son understand it and smile again was like a breath of fresh air.

Daniel and I left his house we immediately headed to the hospital to see Amanda. Reality set in when I walked into Amanda’s room and saw her. She was on her bed in a Johnny. The furniture was bolted to the floor. The room was plain, no color. It was something that I had to push back and overlook and just concentrate on my daughter-in-law. My son sat next to her and told her all that we had just learned. I watched the two of them talking and watched the hope come back into Amanda’s eyes. She had been going to her group sessions during the day and reading her bible. I remember her telling me that she felt safe there. No one needed her and she didn’t have the fear that she had at home with her baby. That broke my heart, but I understood.

Amanda had made a lot of progress and it was time to let her go back home. She wasn’t out of the woods yet, as she still had the feeling of hopelessness and the doctors did not want her to be alone with her baby. As a grandmother that is hard to hear, but I knew that with our help we would get her through this. So, for several weeks I would go over to her mom’s so Lori could go to work and I would sit with Amanda and help with Molly. It was sad to see that this beautiful new mom didn’t really want anything to do with her daughter. There was no connection there. It’s real and it needs to be understood. I feel that this was when Amanda, Molly and I bonded. We would sit and watch Four weddings and Say Yes to the dress for hours. I would take care of Molly and talk about what ever Amanda wanted to talk about.

It took a long time for Amanda to get the right medication but finally life started to look hopeful for her again. Their new home was built, they moved in and life was more normal. Then Fall came around and she started to slip back into her depression again. The doctor had tried to wean her off her medication and it wasn’t working. It was too soon and too fast. I remember going over for a visit and seeing her curled up in her rocking chair under a blanket. Not responding to my son or Molly. This time, I understood and I knew she needed help again. She stopped eating and passed out at work. It was another frightening time for us as she lay in the ER having more thoughts of ending her life. Being through this before she knew that going back to the hospital in that plain room with everything bolted down was her only hope of getting the help she needed.

I am happy to say that with medical help, family, understanding this disorder and being able to talk about it, our Amanda is now back to being herself and helping so many other women. Amanda is an amazing mother that has realized just how wonderful and fulfilling being a mom really is . She wants to reach out to every woman out there that is going through postpartum depression and give them HOPE. Knowledge is everything. Find out everything you can about this disorder so that you can help your loved ones get out of this dark place called depression.

- Karen Heath

Seeing a family member suffer is the hardest thing to witness, not being able to help the is much worse. Espeically if you do not understand why they are suffering. It is important that our society is familiar with what Perinatal Mood Disorders are, and how to help others. I encourage everyone to watch this video below, educate yourself on Postpartum Depression and other postpartum mood disorders.

Maine has 3 State Coordinators who will connect moms and their families to local resources to help with their illness either during pregnancy and after the birth of their child. Please reach out.

Jessica Thomas (207) 558-2229 TEXT OR CALL jessica@ballastandbuoy.com

Amanda Brown (857) 203-0482 TEXT OR CALL amandabrownpsi@gmail.com

Martha Barry Midcoast Maine and Southern Maine Martha offers support in English and Spanish. (207) 774-6065 mindbodypsych@earthlink.net