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Perception vs. Reality- Things aren't always what they seem

  • Apr 23, 2018
  • 5 min read

People always ask me what compelled me to share my story about my struggle with postpartum depression, anxiety and psychosis. Having a mental illness in general, is typically not something that people share so openly as I have with my journey. It took me just about three years to completely open up about my postpartum experience. Of course my close friends and family new about my struggles, but it was not until I met a young lady in the labor and delivery room did I realize how important sharing my story could be for other families.

I was caring for a patient who was about to have her first baby. She was young, and scared. We talked about Molly, and my love for being a mother, and how she was soon going to have a little girl of her own to love. I spent nearly 8 hours with this patient when she said to me “You sound like such a great super mom, it seems to just come natural for you, and you are the mom I want to become”. She then went on to say “I just want to be a normal mom that loves her baby like you love yours”. This hit home for me. I thought to myself that was the furthest thing from the truth. At this point I never shared my story with her, it was not something I had openly admitted to anyone outside of my close network of friends. But, at that moment I realized how important it could be to other families to hear that things aren't always what they seem to be. I ended up talking to the patient somewhat about my experience with postpartum, but I held a lot back. I didn’t know how much to share, or even if I could share it without breaking down into tears.

Social media, and movies often times portray motherhood as such a wonderful experience that brings instant love and bond between a mother and child. We don’t typically hear about the struggles that some moms may face after having a child. We don’t talk about the moms that do not bond with their babies, or even have thoughts about hurting them. We don’t talk about the difficulties of motherhood and how it can impact other relationships. We don’t talk about the stress of having to care for a child 24/7 on little to no sleep. We don’t talk about the anxieties that can overtake our minds all day, every day. We don’t talk about the fears some moms have, or the constant struggle it is to not only care for their baby but to have to care for themselves. We don't talk about how difficult just getting out of bed can be. We don’t talk about the scary or depressing intrusive thoughts that swam our minds. Why? Why don’t we talk about this?

I kept my story a secret for so long because I was scared. Scared of what others would think of me, scared that someone would come a take Molly away from my family. Scared that I would be judge in my abilities to be a mom. Scared that I wouldn’t be able to work in health care setting any longer. Scared that my husband and my family would be judged. Scared of how my family would react once I told them the bitter truth. Scared that other moms wouldn't let daughters be friends with Molly. Scared that people would always think of me as “the crazy chick that wanted to hurt her baby”. Then I realized, those fears didnt matter. What matter the most was helping others who may be going through what I did and how if more and more people hear my story then more and more moms would reach out for help.

To this day people often see my photos on Facebook of Molly and I when she was a newborn. They say how happy I look and how it looks like I am in love and bonding with my new baby. Well, here's a photo of myself and Molly. From the outside it looks like things are great, but what people don’t know is there is so much more to this picture then a new mom loving on her new baby. This photo to me brings back a flood of emotions.

This was a terrible day for me. This was a day I was so hopeless and so depressed I wanted to end my life. This day I was forced out of the house to go and "enjoy my time with Molly". The constant thought of "I should just crash my car into a tree", kept playing in my mind as we were driving. I was thinking of every way possible to leave Molly and go back to the way my life once way. In this photo it looks like I am so in love with Molly, you probably would never have guessed that at this moment in her life I was unable to look at her and tell her “I loved her”. Instead I felt constant regret, shame and guilt. Every time she would cry I would immediately become nauseous and vomit. People never would guess that I was dying on the inside. I was scared, scared to be alone and scared to left alone with Molly. I didn't trust myself, and I was scared to admit it to anyone.

At the same time this photo reminds me of what I survived and that I am capable of so much. I have come such a long way since this photo. I have come to fully believe that IT IS OKAY to have lived through a perinatal mood disorder, and that IT IS OKAY that it took me longer to bond with Molly than what I had anticipated.

I have accepted that this was my postpartum journey, and now I have the opportunity to help other moms. Always remember that everything may not be as it appears on the outside. To all the moms out there who may be struggling please remember that there is hope and you will get better, you just need to speak up and reach out! There IS light at the end of YOUR tunnel!

You are not alone, you are not to blame, and with help you will be well!

Emotionally- IM IN PAIN Mentally- I’M DEPRESSED Spiritually- I’M STRESSED Physically- I SMILE

It is my life’s mission to help other moms and other families. I am hosting a Climb out of the Darkness is Winslow Maine on June 21, 2018 at 5:00pm. It is a 5K to help raise money to educate providers on Maternal Mental Health and to help raise awareness so more families know to reach out for help, and are not scared of being judged. I am accepting donations for this 5K, as well as looking for people who want to talk with us. ANYONE can walk. Please join us as several moms come together and show just how strong we are when we “Climb out of the Darkness”.

For more information please email me at amandabrownpsi@gmail.com

Link to donate/join the climb (Anyone over 18 years of age please register to walk) https://climb-out-2018.causevox.com/team/TreeofHopeMaine

Here are some recent updated photos of me and my daughter. We are best friends, that have an unbreakable bond. If you are struggling please reach out for help, you will thank yourself later that you took that leap to wellness! If you do not know who to ask for help please call me. I am am Postpatum Support International Coordinator and can help you find what you need. You can email me at amandabrownpsi@gmail.com or Call/Text at (857)-203-0482

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