"How could she be so afraid of her own self?"

When I struggled with Postpartum Depression and Anxiety it not only affected me but it had a huge impact on the ones I loved. My family had no idea what I was going though, and couldn't understand why I felt so awful. Dan was able to share his side of the story of how he felt as a husband watching his wife slowly slip away. He opens up about his emotions and the embarrassment he faced when I was being treated for my mental illness.

My feelings going into the last trimester of Amanda’s pregnancy were all good thoughts. I can’t recall ever being very nervous about having a child. Our family is fortunate enough to be surrounded by experienced and willing hands. I seem to have a “deal with the situation as it presents itself” kind of attitude. I also knew that I had an all-star wife who knew everything about babies and that she would be able to help me along. Everything in our lives was very stable at this point with the exception of one big project. Amanda and I were dealing with the beginning stages of constructing our new home. 90% of my thoughts were focused on this process and Amanda seemed to be enjoying taking care of the baby stuff.

During the labor process I was being told that the progression was slow but I didn’t know anything different. I remember spending many nights on a small labor room couch keeping my wife company. I watched Amanda try every trick that the nursing staff could think of to try and get some progression. Amanda ended up going through a rough delivery that seemed to have changed her forever. Everyone who saw her within the first week of her delivery could tell her appearance and demeanor had changed. I felt as though the wife that I knew had been suddenly been placed on stand- by. Amanda’s well laid out plans of being the best mom she could be were not ready for deployment. As her husband I did not see any red flags or that anything out of the ordinary was happening. I saw an exhausted, physically worn out and scarred up woman who needed some time to heal. Time was my treatment plan at this point to get her back on her feet and to feel comfortable again. Unfortunately my treatment plan didn’t seem to help, and as time went on I saw Amanda constantly questioning herself. She would question “why am I like this.” Amanda would be referring to her lack of connection with our child and her daily intrusive thoughts. I struggled to have any clear memories of this time period and I believe it is simply due to a prolonged stretch of a less than adequate amount of sleep. I still believed that we did not need any outside professional intervention. I was also quite distracted with the responsibilities of being up with the baby at night and then physically building or new home. The thought of my wife actually struggling with a serious mental illness never even crossed my mind.

The day Amanda told me that she had thoughts of killing herself; I can truthfully say I didn’t believe her and didn’t perceive it as an accurate statement. I had always known my wife to “say a few things” to get a reaction out of me. My treatment plan at this point was getting her out of the house and to find something to do as a distraction. Finally, at the point of my wife being inconsolable and hyperventilating was when everything became more than just words. I could see it in her eyes that she wanted to put a stop to all anxiety and horrible thoughts she was having. She was undoubtedly in a very desperate moment and I was feeling very helpless being unable to calm or comfort her. Along with the feeling of helplessness, I also felt embarrassment. This part of my story is the most uncomfortable to say but I believe is the most important. Mental illness wears a label and for most of us that label reads “crazy person” or “nut job.” That was the label I put on mental illness because I believed that it was something completely fabricated in a person’s mind. I never considered the complexity of what the real labels for mental illness read.

Amanda spent some time in confinement on a mental health floor and genuinely seemed to be doing great. After only one or two days she told me she felt safe. I thought to myself, “how could she be so afraid of her own self”. I later learned to understand that she was very much not in control of her thoughts and feelings. I began to understand through simple analogies that your brain can really let you down sometimes. I suddenly felt like I was taking my own mind for granted and I would have never realized that all of us can be affected by mental illness. During our stay, even though I was starting to understand things, I would still question if all of this treatment was necessary. I would question the drug pushing by doctors and the uncomfortable therapy sessions. I felt like the doctors were able to treat typical anxiety/depression symptoms but they seemed to be in unfamiliar territory with dealing with some of Amanda’s problems. Regardless, Amanda showed positive progression and at that time I felt like we were on the right track. I felt like we at least had a treatment plan. When Amanda returned home I can’t say that I fully trusted her to be alone with our child. Some might say that, that alone would be a hard thought to deal with. For whatever reason I always thought things would eventually get better. The naive side of me would also think “she could never do anything harmful like that.” Fortunately we had lots of help with watching our daughter and we were able to help Amanda progress.

My feeling toward Amanda never changed. I could see her as an un well person, no different than someone with any other illness that needed caring for. I never had any thoughts of creating distance between us to protect the safety of our child. After treatment and medication we began to see some of the old Amanda come back which gave us hope. We had a relapse one full year later but it felt almost as if we were prepared for it and knew what to do. Amanda was able to go back to a “safe place” for a quick recovery. I can’t say that this discouraged me because we already had the answers to why it was happening. The hardest emotions for me now are listening to Amanda re-tell her unfiltered thoughts of her past experience. What seems to get at a person sometimes are the “what if” thoughts. I find that if you are not careful they can really overwhelm your mind. Attending Amanda’s therapy sessions has not only helped in her recovery but I have learned some essential coping skills as well. I consider myself to be one of the most fortunate husbands involved in this illness. I credit most of our success to family, faith and friends who helped share the stress and work load. I have gained lots of confidence simply through awareness that this is a 100% treatable illness and that we are prepared if we are to ever see its return. Treatment saved my wife's life, and helped out family become happy again.

What would I tell another father whose wife is struggling?

*If you wife is saying crazy, obscene things try and remember it is not her, it is the mental illness. Be understanding, and know that it will get better with help.

* Reach out to family and friends for support, and even reach out to a PSI Coordinator for local resources.

* Remind her everyday how important she is, and how great she is doing. Even the smallest sign of improvement, tell her.

* There may be a lot of trial and error when trying a new medication or therapist

*Educate yourself on your wife's struggles so you can have more knowledge and lend her more support.

* Pay attention to the little things she says, and do not be afraid to get help. No matter what kind of help she needs. Amanda's stay in the hospital is what saved her life, and it helped her regain her strength both mentally and physically.

Hospitals, doctor offices, nurses, MA's, CNA's, secretaries, therapists etc need to be educated on this illness to help families recognize when there could be an issue, lend support when needed. More women die of maternal suicide than any other complications of childbirth, yet its the number one complication that most providers feel uncomfortable screening for. That needs to stop, and we need to start supporting our moms, and families even when they are discharged from the hospital.

- Dan Brown

If your significant other is struggling after having a child and you are looking for support for your wife or even for yourself please reach out to any of the 3 Maine State Coordinators. We will connect you to different treatment options for you or your family. Or if you just need to talk we encourage you to also give us a call. Visit www.postpartum.net for more information.

And Remember...You are NOT alone!

Watch this video as husbands share their stories about postpartum depression

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5uX-RAaA2G4

PSI SUPPORT COORDINATORS

Jessica Thomas (207) 558-2229 TEXT OR CALL jessica@ballastandbuoy.com

Amanda Brown (857) 203-0482 TEXT OR CALL amandabrownpsi@gmail.com

Martha Barry Midcoast Maine and Southern Maine Martha offers support in English and Spanish. (207) 774-6065 mindbodypsych@earthlink.net